Dear Love & War,

My boyfriend is being verbally abusive toward me and I’m afraid that if I start telling him off, he’ll start abusing me physically. What do I do to stop this, while staying safe? –Scared To Take Action

Seriously, any relationship that involves fear of your mate is not a relationship worth being in. Try telling him that you don’t like the way he talks to you. Be calm, collected and direct. Telling him off sounds too negative, and nothing good will come out of a conversation like that.

If that doesn’t work, call a domestic violence line. There are more things to consider in this situation than you probably realizes. In Seattle, you can call New Beginnings: 206/522.9472. On the eastside it is Eastside Domestic Violence Program (EDVP): 425-746-1940 or 1-800-827-8840. In south King County you can reach Domestic Violence Women’s Network (DAWN): 425-656-7867.

What they probably will tell you when you call is to leave and leave now. Leave quietly and leave no trace of where she went. They can help you do this.

It’s actually quite typical that this is how the abuse starts. It starts small and gets worse. In all likelihood, your fears are well founded and you are probably right.

(Many thanks to Rebecca Phillips for her input and help answering this question. She works for DAWN, a domestic abuse line.)

Dear Love & War,

I haven’t spoken to my family in years. My sister recently called me and said that our father recently had heart surgery. He’s supposedly doing fine, but she insisted that I call to see how he’s doing. What do I do? -Severed Family Ties

A key component is missing in your question: why has it been years since you talked to your family? Here’s a little story, maybe it will put things in perspective for you.

Many years ago, my mother asked me to help her reorganize her filing system. It took the batter part of the weekend and by the Sunday night I was exhausted. As I was filing away the final documents and getting ready to leave, my grandmother was on the phone calling to say hi to my mother and me. Now my grandmother only speaks Spanish, I can too, but was too tired to deal with her at the time. I grabbed a post it note off the desk and wrote on it: “Tell her I left already, I’ll call her sometime this week.”

A few days later, my mom calls me to tell me that my grandmother had died while in surgery. She was calling that Sunday to tell us that she was going under the knife for what was to be a simple operation. Turns out things went horribly wrong and she died. And I had blown her off a few days earlier.

The moral of the story is this, don’t put off telling the people you love how you feel. Your father is your flesh and blood. Put whatever issue you have with him behind you and call him. You never know if it will be your last chance.

Warmest Regards,
Love & War

Contact Love & War
Submit questions to webbtide@yahoo.com