by Sean McCallum
Webmaster

DEMOCRATS:
Clinton
George Clinton was the funky mastermind of the popular 1970’s bands Parliament and Funkadelic. He also found success in the 80’s and 90’s as a solo artist and as the leader of the P-Funk All-Stars. Clinton’s musical catalog has been heavily covered and sampled by other artists including the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre and Tupac Shakur. His political agenda is a bit foggy, but his colorful wardrobe and his campaign promise “Ain’t no party like a P-Funk party ‘cuz a P-Funk party don’t stop” seem to have overshadowed this candidate’s 2003 arrest and subsequent conviction for possession of a crack pipe.

O’Bama
Cletus O’Bama is a distant, deepsouthern relative of talk-show host Conan O’Brien. Unfortunately, O’Bama’s branch of the family tree is much like wheat flour and yeast, in that each is very in bread. This candidate’s brief marriage to Britney Spears was annulled on the grounds that Spears was already married to Kevin Federline and the marriage was, in fact, another case of mistaken identity as Spears believed O’Bama was actually K-Fed with his hair red. Cletus O’Bama is a positive answer to the age-old question “Are there Catholics in the South?” and he has been widely quoted as saying “The only thing orange about me is my hair! Well, and my Chevy. Oh, and my Confederate Flag tattoo, but that’s it! I mean it, y’all!”

Edwards
This is just A Shot in the Dark, but I have This Happy Feeling that Blake Edwards would like to return us to the Days of Wine and Roses. That would be a welcome Switch from The Grip of Fear this country remains in while anticipating the next Experiment in Terror. I think it is High Time someone asked this candidate “What Did You Do in the War, Daddy?” to determine any strengths he might have outside of Operation Petticoat, because the last thing The Party needs right now is a repeat of The Man who Loved Women, when the last S.O.B. got into A Fine Mess for feeding The Pink Panther.

REPUBLICANS:
Romney
Hugh Romney (a.k.a. Wavy Gravy) is a part-time hippie circus clown with his own Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor and is an activist involved with fighting preventable and curable blindness in the Third World. His roots are tie-dyed up with his friends in Ken Kesey’s Merry Pranksters and the acid rock band Grateful Dead. His political platform is still largely based in 60’s community idealism, so it blows my mind that he’d try for the Republican ticket. I guess blowing minds is part of Romney’s hippydippy trip.

McCain
As a Union veteran of the Civil War and a homesteader in the New Mexico Territory, Lucas McCain (aka The Rifleman) seems a far more likely nominee for The Right than Romney. A genius of the defense industry, McCain invented the quasi-semi-automatic rifle by adding a screw to his weapon that pulled the trigger every time he cocked the lever. He is a defender of righteous, countrified, Lincolnesque morals and uses his clever, rapid-fire repartee to spread his beliefs without sounding “preachy.” Blamblamblam!

Huckabee
You think the last five candidates are jokes? Mike Huckabee is a sad, mean, humorless joke. I can crack wise about any other potential nominee on either side, but I can’t even pretend that there’s anything funny about this one. Regardless of your own political or religious leanings, you should distance yourself from this hateful, spiteful, divisive man and vote for ANYONE else. The last thing our world needs is another pseudoreligious fundamentalist United States president that wants to continue leeching dollars out of the U.S. economy and diverting them needlessly, even malevolently, into the defense and corporate domains. There are countless other important reasons not to give this guy the time of day, so if you are even remotely tempted to support Mr. Huckabee in his bid for the presidency, please do a lot of reading about him from his supporters, his detractors, and the public record, then continue to familiarize yourself with the many quandaries we as a country are now in, and constantly, deeply question your motives for supporting him. Seriously.