by Sean McCallum
Webmaster

One week this past winter, I collected five music CDs from various locations as an experiment. Each cost less than $1, two of them even free. How good were they? From #1 (best) to #5 (worst):

CD #1

Artist: White Town
Album: Women in Technology (1997 EMI)
Description: Drippy, bland and British 90’s-era radio pop that alternates between bouncy and listless.
Best Song: The Function of the Orgasm
Worst Song: The Death of My Desire
Best Lyrics: "Is that your brother dancing with you?
He’s giving me some funny looks"
Worst Lyrics: "And though this music doesn’t move me
Thrill or even soothe me
I think I might dance to just this one song"
Comment: I kind of feel the same way about the fourth track, “Your Woman.” I was surprised to have heard any part of these CDs before. It turns out that the high-pitched, repetitive sample of what must be a funeral dirge from the soundtrack to some old black and white movie used to drive me nuts on a regular basis when this song was overplayed on every small business radio at the time of its release. Admittedly the rest of the song is OK—I liked the synth bass in it, but it’s so overshadowed by that grating sample.

CD #2

Artist: Chuei Yoshikawa
Album: California Roll (1990 Voss)
Description: Karaoke singer turned hobby musician records all the songs he wrote about his wife and kid while he was sneaking out by himself to look at GQ and eat deep-fried foods.
Best Song: Ebb Tide
Worst Song: In My Pocket
Best Lyrics: "I won’t lose the arm wrestling yet
That’s my tiny happiness"
Worst Lyrics: "Even the birds won’t fly in this town"
Comment: This guy’s musicianship isn’t bad, but his music has the energy of tepid, wet soba noodles. At least he can play. If I could give this man any feedback, I would inform him that nobody is interested in what’s in his pocket. Even songs like that don’t fly in this town.

CD #3

Artist: Greg Spence Wolf
Album: Emotions (1997 [independent])
Description: It’s busking gone mad. This is Seattle street music distilled to around 80 proof and served in a brown paper bag. The artist plays piano, guitar, mandolin, trumpet, trombone, harmonica and handles the vocals.
Best Song: The Tofu Serenade
Worst Song: Righteous Dumpster Diver Dude
Best Lyrics: "All my favorite music
Someone else refused it
Yes, I’m a righteous dumpster diver dude."
Worst Lyrics: "If it’s in a bottle or a can
Then I figure that I can
Eat it all up
Without throwing up!
Yes, I’m a righteous dumpster diver dude."
Comment: Apparently this guy is an SCC student. He sounds kind of old for school, but then I’m no spring chicken either. I’d say this is my least favorite musical “genre” represented here, so I’m least inclined to give it an honest listen. On the other hand, it’s the most honest music represented, so I’ll just say this: If you have a song in your heart, sing it. But at least give me a running head start.

CD #4

Artist: Love American Style
Album: Undo (1997 Oxygen)
Description: What do people call this kind of music? I must know so that I can avoid it at all costs. This is worse than that “I’m not sick but I’m not well” paraphernalia. OK, I just asked somebody and apparently, it’s “alterna-pop.” But it might also be described as “pseudoalterna- pop”.
Best Song: Not About to Lose It
Worst Song: The Sky Will Be Milk
Best Lyrics: "Your blue eyes raise my blanket"
Worst Lyrics: "And I am thinking
Want to be in your body
Be in your body (x3)
Want to be in your body
Be in your hole"
Comment: Son, are you on drugs? “The sky will be milk?” How can a great song title like “Not About to Lose It” end up being such an awful song? There are millions of ways it could’ve turned out great. I’m essentially a non-violent person. While it’s not my favorite, I love death metal. Death metal never caused me to want to harm someone, but this “Love American Style,” whiny, no-talent, emo-in-a-nerd-pop-disguise makes me want to hurt myself and others.

CD #5

Artist: Strip Mind
Album: What’s in Your Mouth
Description: Post-grunge, misogynist butt-rock at what may actually be its absolute worst.
Best Song: I Wanna [F---] Your Girlfriend
Worst Song: Lap Frappe
Best Lyrics: "Darkness takes its toll
Night is here for keeps
Never daylight see again
Peaceful sleep in Satan’s den"
Worst Lyrics: "Pretty much every lyric in Lap Frappe is one of worst possible ways, old or new, that you could describe fellatio. Way to make it sound more unappetizing than it already does. That’ll keep ‘em coming back for seconds."
Comment: Their best lyric is only good because it’s like, Spinal Tap funny. It’s guys like this that made heavy metal and men with long hair burrow back into the underground to stay. And to tell you the truth, I prefer it that way. Good metal is a many-splendored thing, but it is rare. You might even say it’s “precious” metal. There’s nothing worse than being subjected to unsolicited bad metal. I’d pay top dollar for front-row Greg Spence Wolf tickets before I’d even listen to a whole song by Strip Mind.