by Jordan McGill
Staff Writer

The scientific makeup of Christmas perturbs me. Blind, stupid boiling tempers and seasonal depressives spill like petrified gunk into the nooks and crannies of skyscrapers during the frost-bitten months of November and December.

They formulate a “Let’s whore ourselves out to the advertisers” mentality in conjunction with wanting to make their friends and family as happy as they can with gifts like cheap DVDs showing Frosty melt into a puddle of piss, vodka and barf chunks.

It’s a freak experiment that deserves to be placed in a book or a brave, new world; the hoards of shoppers who descend upon the city streets and suburban malls not thinking for themselves.

Herded by oppressors disguised as superstructures branded with a name desired by many and only truly understood by a few, the mainstream public supplies their docile servant-hood without a hint of question or disgrace.

As corporate flagships wave consumers off the sidewalks into their thought-rearranging sanctums, the curious combination of mannequin displays and hanging cardboard “Sale” signs reduce the human being to nothing more than mindless cow guts splayed artfully across the brick wall of consumerist death.

One of the greatest scams ever sold to the people by those in power is the idea that the superfluous exchange of green numbered paper or a plastic card swipe with a signature for the delight of many fabrics, metals and plastics shaped by the labor of third world countries is needed. We don’t need any of it, yet it has become obligatory in American culture like apple pie topped with a slice of cheddar cheese.

To the bell-ringing, tree-lighting terminal we go, embarking into that egg shell-lined labyrinth maze of psychological damage created by having to elbow, fight, snap, bark and bite at our fellow monks during pedestrian rushhour.

A plastic hamster ball of rational thinking would feel right at home squishing the daisies of intellectual demise like Godzilla stomping the life out of Bambi.

What has this sick, degenerate world come to? Buildings where material goods can be bought at 4 a.m. exist today as they did in the past. Who is dim-witted enough to not realize that by urging us onward at earlier hours they are controlling us like daylight savings time and flu inoculations?

Wars are funded with the outrageous sums of capital spent during the holi-daze dreamt up by money-hungry individuals who do not care an inch for the sanity and wellbeing of the common citizen.

Unlike those who’ve decided to let their lives be run by a marketing wet-dream, I will be laughing madly as I stand in the center of downtown watching the zombies shuffle along the pavement, arms and shoulder sockets weighed down by the manifest destiny they have chosen for themselves.

Praise be graced upon American Christmas. Its self-induced nausea is arrogant to the inherent energies placed inside each one of us by nature and the divine power above. Jesus must be appalled at the things we do in his name.