DoBetta advice: boyfriends who don't
My boyfriend is so flaky sometimes! He says he'll do
something, and never does. He says we'll spend time together or do something
on a certain day, and he flakes out. He says so many things and rarely
follows through.
It is getting so frustrating because I love him so much,
but it really gets to me and hurts my feelings. It also messes with my
schedule, because I plan to be with him. I get ditched by my boyfriend, and
have nothing to do because I could not make any other plans. I am in school
and work full time, so when I have free time I want to spend it with people
I care about. He makes this very difficult for me to accomplish.
How do I
get him to do the things he says he will do?
-LONELY IN EDMONDS
It doesn't sound like this guy is into you, until the facts come
out. Don't get me wrong, but generally men are not as lovey dovey as women,
and they don't feel that spending tons of time together is necessary. Men
don't feel the need for emotional and physical comfort as much as women, so
it is hard for them to understand the importance of quality time. To some
men, sitting on the couch watching sitcoms with a beer in hand is spending
quality time. For most women, one on one time conversing without distraction
is quality time. Basically, a compromise needs to be found within all
couples where it makes everybody happy.
I am guessing that one or the other
usually transpires when he cancels plans- you pretend like it's no big deal
and say nothing to him about it hurting your feelings and messing up your
plans, or you get angry and upset with him before he has time to explain or
defend himself. I have a third option that might help you out.
This man
needs an explanation of your feelings. Next time you guys are having a good
time together, whether it's at home, out to dinner, or after some fun
activity, tell him how you feel. Make sure he realizes what a good time
you're having together and what he misses out on when he cancels. If he
doesn't understand, explain to him how busy you are with work and school.
Make him understand how much you would enjoy spending that small amount of
free time with him.
Tell your man that when he flakes out like that, it not
only hurts your feelings but it leaves you high and dry with nowhere to go
and nothing to do. If you explain that to him he might have a better
understanding to why it bothers you so much. When you are talking with him,
try not to use accusing words, because that will make him defensive. Once
the defense team is brought out, the moment will be lost. Instead of saying,
"you always ditch me and it leaves me with nothing to do!" use a calm, sad
tone that will throw on the guilt like, "Sometimes when you cancel our plans
it makes me really sad and it hurts my feelings." Using a sentence like that
with a sad frown on your face is sure to do the trick! He will feel at
fault, which he is and deserves, but he will have no reason to bring out the
defense.
Good luck Lonely! And by the way, if talking sensibly doesn't
work, get rid of the guy! He's obviously not man enough to handle a woman's
needs.
DoBetta is a hard working student at Shoreline
Community College, and her real name is Jaime Couden. She gives advice on
relationships with friends, family, partners, and dating. DoBetta dated a
lot when she was in high school and learned a lot about people, and then she
began a relationship with her current boyfriend of four years. She loves
helping people, and advice is something that has come naturally to her. She
plans on going into Communications as her major, so she can work with people
forever.
The name DoBetta derived from George Washington. When he was 16
years old, he wrote an anonymous "Dear Abby" style column for his local
newspaper. All the town thought it was an educated middle aged woman, but it
was little George. He called himself Dr. DoGood.
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