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OTHER OPINIONS - If I could surf porn with Benjamin Franklin - Always read the fine print Your Bulloscope reveals the real you - and it's not pretty Bullwinkle Morris Ebbtide Jackass Hello Dolphin wigglers! Did you miss me? I've had all summer to fester like a pustule and now I'm ripe to be lanced. That's right, my maladjusted brethren, your Uncle Bullwinkle is back like a case of herpes. So, if you have your ointment ready, let's get started. First, I'd like to give hearty hidey-ho and whatever to the returning students. You spineless mollusks have yet to send your favorite boil an email. What the Hell is the matter with you people! Don't make me go all Hunter S. Thompson on your punk asses. Consider this a line in the dirt. I double dog dare you to cross it. To the newbies, I loathe you. I loathe you to the very core of your public-education-white-bread-middle-class-income-MTV-watching souls. Over the course of the next few week you will come to loathe me too. Then, our loathing will become a pinnacle from which we will plunge into self-absorption and self-abuse. To get things off on the right foot, I wanted to crush a few of the collegiate fanciful delusions you are suffering from. For the guys, remember all those nights you were hanging-out behind the Circle K drinking those cases of PBR you stole from the garage? Remember how you would talk endlessly about all the hot chicks you were going to date once you were in college? Think back to those beautiful fantasies of losing your virginity. Remember? Well, it's all a LIE! The same girls you went to high school with are going to college with you. You are going to die a virgin. You will never know carnal pleasure. Or if you do, it will be awful! For the girls, all the stories you've heard about the 'freshmen 20'? They're true. Okay, that's enough for today. Gonzo-power forever! Empower the people, Cosmo. Bullwinkle Morris is available for birthdays and wedding receptions at grumpywinkle77@yahoo.com © 2002 Shoreline Community College™