by Jordan McGill
Staff Writer

I was recently cited for exercising individuality. I used the high-occupancy vehicle lane of an onramp instead of waiting in a preposterously long line of vehicles whose drivers were allowing a blinking red and green light to control their lives. I do this all the time, but this moment was different. It was during rush hour; that peak burst of life-flogging existence when the air is choked and the eyesight polluted by the deliciously warped experience of sitting in traffic.

So here is the letter I’m giving to the judge on the day when I face him or her in court.

Your Honor,
This ticket is ridiculous.

I was not causing trouble, being disruptive or insinuating, immoral or uncouth. I was not yelling at bystanders, hoisting a flag, berating the truth or waving a sign that read, “God is dead.” I was clearly minding my own business, sitting in my automobile, listening to Mozart, adhering to the speed limit when I noticed on the roadway ahead of me and to the left an officer of the law waving me over.

I’m a good upstanding American and when the badge needs to exchange a few words I do what any thoughtful, tolerant, normalminded citizen would do. I pulled over to where the officer directed me. I pressed the button on my left arm console and with a whirling sound the window retreated into the door. The officer approached my car and asked for my license, registration and proof of insurance. Saying nothing, I reached into my wallet and glove compartment to procure the requested documents.

The officer took them from me and walked away from my car. I remained peacefully seated staring forward with both of my hands resting on the steering wheel.

A few minutes later, the officer returned and handed me back my motor vehicle operating paperwork along with a crinkly, opaquegreen certificate. With a slight smile he calmly told me I had 15 days to respond and then tapped the roof of my car twice with his hand. He uttered something to the effect of, “When you merge back into traffic on the right, be sure to accelerate.” I nodded and followed his advice.

Your Honor, I have done nothing wrong here except follow an officer’s hand signaling me to the side of the road. Where is my crime? He never even told me what I was being cited for. He merely added an unexpected twist to my life’s experience that day and I’m left to wonder why that should cost me $124.

Your honor, I believe in the laws of this country and the universal law that no man should have to endure cruel and unusual punishment. What I went through that day as a citizen was completely unwarranted. The words, “scapegoat,” and, “example to the public for no clear reason,” come to mind.

I do not deserve to be insulted by a piece of paper that demands my money and blatantly insults me with the stamp, “Read the back,” in thick letters. As if the paper in question does not automatically get turned over by its examiner in their efforts to deduce what they have been given, in this case, for no reason. Your Honor, I ask you to repeal this infraction and wipe it clean from my record.

Thank you,
Jordan Theodore McGill