Advice From...

The Doctor of Love of the Delta blues

Oh, hi there. My name is Robert Johnson. I guess that some people consider me to be the King of the Delta blues. I don’t know. No one crowned me or anything. I’m no king, but I am the Doctor of Love of the Delta Blues. That’s why I get to write this article for you.

 

So what kind of advice can I give you? Well, since I’m a musician, I can tell you all about the power of Love Songs. Ever since mankind started banging on rocks there have been love songs. Love songs have a great power, so you must use this power for good, and not evil.

There are those in the world who have selfishly used the love song for evil. That Kenny G fellow, that Canuck Celine Dion, and Big-Flowing-Haired Michael Bolton have ruined love songs for the rest of us. Oh yes, there are others like Air Supply and 80’s Chicago (Their early stuff rocked. Sorry.) that have made a joke of love songs, but that unholy trinity named above actually schemed together to subconsciously take over the world and give it to the Wussie people.

Anyway, don’t do that. Love songs can be used for good. That’s why I think that Emo is the greatest thing to ever happen to the love song. Emo singers are so EMOTIONAL! They make me want to cry. Just about every Emo song is a love song, even if it isn’t, because inevitably the writer was depressed about some mascara wearing heifer that broke his heart. That hussie. More love song’s should be written by depressed, hopeless losers with no sense of originality or musicality. That makes things more emotional, and emotion makes for good love songs.

Here’s the trick with a good love song: It should be personal towards the one whom you want to woo. If you can refer to conversations that you have had with your target, that will make them think that you were listening to them. If you refer to your mark’s beautiful eyes, staring deeply into them as you sing your song, they will think that you actually think they’re “deep” and that you really understand them or some other baloney that they actually think about themselves. Whatever works.

It is possible to use love songs accidentally. I once wrote a love song for a girl that I had just started dating. I softly sang it into her ear while I gently played my guitar. (That was slick. Works every time!) What I had unknowingly done was allow a girl with a predisposition towards “clinginess” latch herself onto me like a leech. I could not get her to leave me alone. Ever. That’s bad. I don’t recommend it. Be sure to screen your date for wierdness factors before proceeding with the wooing.

Love songs are powerful, so if you have any questions about them, just let me know. Just remember to use your powers for good, and not evil. You’ve got to keep the love song as an attractive wooing tool, so don’t water it down for the Wussie people.

This is the Doctor of Love of the Delta Blues, signing out.