Advice From... The Doctor of Love

Oscar Wilde

I am a pimp. Yes, that's right. A pimp. I am here to let you in on a few of my trade secrets to being a pimp, and maybe if you're you're lucky you'll someday end up as cool as me.

First of all, you need a name. My birth name was Oscar Flunderson. Not the name of a P.I.M.P. So what did I do? I went WILDE, baby! If you want to be a pimp, you've got to have the name. I bet you don't even know who I am or what I'm famous for, but you sure as shivers have heard of me. A good name works wonders.

Ok, so what's my second secret to being a pimp? Style. Say what you will about my writing, but no one can mess with my personal style. It's really the little touches that matter. For instance, check out the furs. Yea. Big Pimpin'. I have also perfected the Walk. You know, the way I slide across the floor like I am the King, and you'd better know it.

Now, style is big asset to being a pimp, but it isn't nearly as important as my next big secret. I call it The Axe Effect. Actually, I don't call it that. That's just what it's called. I saw one of those commercials on T.V. that had the girls all going wild over some dude, and I thought, "Dude, that dude could be me!" And thus was born Oscar Wilde, the pimpin-est pimp to ever grace the pages of this paper.

Here's how it works. I get up out of bed, thinking, "Okie-Dokie Oscar! Today's the big revealing episode of Lost that I've been waiting for. Yippee!" That's when I realize that I'm a dork. I immediately run to the john and spray on The Axe Effect. My pimpousity returns, and I immediately assume my fur coat and hat. The Wilde One has returned.

One whiff of my oderiferousness sends the ladies into a state of frenzy only rivaled by that of those crazed Christmas-Shopping Mothers who will stop at nothing to get that stupid flavor-of-the-day toy for little Timmy. (I was once taken out by one of their Be-Dazzled purses because I apparently was standing in front of the last Tickle-Me-Elmo.)

In any case, the ladies love it. I spray it on extra thick too, because I have to overpower my own natural musk scent that is reminiscent of a wet, dead cat. (Sometimes God can be so cruel...) The ladies like it extra strong, so it's no problem. The Axe Effect. Use it, Love it, Live it.

If it seems that I am leaving you ladies out of this, don't worry. You too can be a pimp. It just takes a little testosterone hormone therapy. For a girl to be a pimp, she really needs to have a Sol patch, hence the testosterone. One of those big, bushy ones, prefurrably off-center. Guys go Wilde over girls who have Sol patches. Try it and see for yourself.

Listen to the Wilde One, and you can't help but turn yourself into a pimp like me.

This is the Doctor, signing out.