Opinion

A School for Scandal

Vox Clamatis

Training to preserve the American way

Chris Jones
Managing Editor

Recent revelations about prisoner abuse in Iraq have evoked a storm of self-righteous outrage from politicians. Most have asserted that the behavior of prison guards at Abu Ghraib prison in no way represented the ideals and culture of America. President Bush went so far as to claim that the America represented in the notorious photos, “doesn’t exist.” At Senate hearings General Taguba asserted that the behavior of prison guards was a consequence of “no training whatsoever.”

Now a group of prominent Americans has come together to remedy the situation. In the future, prison guards will be able to receive extensive training at a new university specializing in penology “the American way.” The university, tentatively named Whassa Matta U is to be located at Louisiana’s famed Parchman Farm Prison. Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County Arizona, the man who currently runs the world’s only all-female chain gang, has been chosen Dean of Inhumanities. The aim of the school will be to demonstrate that the America revealed in Abu Graib does in fact exist. What we have had up till now, says Dean Arpaio, “Is a failure to communicate.”

The course catalog for the new institution appears below.

Crim 101 “The Handling of Female Detainees”
The management of females in the prison environment can be a satisfying experience when approached forcefully. Instructors: K. Bryant, M. Tyson, A. Schwarzenegger

Speech 357 “Verbal Abuse and Controlled Substances”
Students will learn that certain drugs, when self administered, can increase their ability to deliver verbal abuse. Lab fees may vary with market conditions. Instructor: R. Limbaugh

Psych 202 “Humiliation as Motivation”
With proper motivation, prisoners may be rapidly transformed into groveling back-biting lickspittles. Instructor: D. Trump

Media 357 “Sex Lies and Video Tape in Penology”
The judicious use of recording media can be used to motivate prisoners and generate income. Instructor: P. Hilton

Psych 450 “Adolescent Psychology in the Modern Prison”
Adolescent sex fantasies can be an important source of inspiration when devising new strategies for humiliating and degrading prisoners. Instructor: H. Stern

Med 169 “Extreme Makeover”
Certain controversial medical techniques will be introduced which promise to be useful when attempting the makeover of an entire country or culture. Instructors: D. Rumsfeld and P. Wolfowicz

Zoo 278 “Arachnophobia and Beyond”
Exploit the fear and disgust your charges may have for certain organisms (no maggots or rats will be harmed). Instructor: staff of “Fear Factor”

Psych 380 “Exploitation of Ignorance and Poverty”
Given the right environment prisoners can not only be induced to confess, but to beat each other. Students must supply their own folding chairs. Instructor J. Springer

PE 178 “Kick ‘em When They’re Down, the New Sportsmanship”
The prison exercise yard is a great place to inflict that extra bit of pain which might elicit a confession. Instructor D. Rodman

Drama 248 “The Use of Lingerie During Interrogations”
What is the best color for head bags? Thong or bikini? These and other important points of prison attire will be addressed. Instructors: Staff of “Queer Eye”

Psych 385 “The Destruction of Trust”
There is no more potent weapon in the arsenal of the prison guard than the destruction of trust between detainees. Turn your prisoners into traitorous back-stabbing stoolies with special techniques adapted from American television. Instructor: staff of “Survivor”

Soc 256 “Lessons from the Greek System”
Techniques adapted from fraternity hazing can be used to bring the recalcitrant prisoner into line. No farm animals will be harmed. Instructors: R. Limbaugh and the staff of “Jackass”

Psych 400 “Induced Onanism in Groups”
Learn how the techniques of group onanism, so successful in large media organizations, can be applied to the prison population. Instructors: B. O’Reilly, B. Hume and the staff of FOX News

The Hidden Truth

Heather Mupita
Ebbtide Correspondant

After growing up in Zimbabwe and living in London, Italy, Korea and now the Seattle area, I have observed that politics is basically the same in form and content everywhere. This has left me disillusioned since I believed that America had the answer to true democracy. After having studied constitutional law, I was particularly interested in the history culminating in the Madison case and the subsequent framing of the U.S. Constitution. The preamble to the Constitution holds the people sovereign. I wonder whether the same principle can be applied to Tami Silicio’s case. Her only crime was taking a photo of 20 flag-draped coffins of U.S. soldiers who had died in Iraq. This action aroused and stirred something within people’s hearts, my own included, when it ran on the front page of the Seattle Times on April 18. This photo captured the essence of war in its true form. These people were alive when they left for Iraq and have now been returned in coffins.

I support poets like Wilfred Owen, who believed that war is futile as it brings untold suffering to all. As I looked at that photo, I realized the complexities and innuendos that are never explored in times of war. We need to take time to reflect on the lives of men and women being lost to this war. The casualties are too many. The war has become too costly. I salute people like Silicio who are not afraid of facing the truth. No matter how much we hide the truth, the stigma attached to war can never be erased. It is the irony of such incidences as 9-11 and the Iraqi war, which shows us the futility of power struggles as innocent victims are always, sacrificed either way. They are the targets. It is our responsibility as human beings to focus on strategies that preserve humanity and promote peace.

Silicio was fired for showing truth and reality. Her husband was also dismissed from his work. Is it possible that the photo aroused a great deal of guilt in certain circles as it showed the reality of the Iraq war? The easy way to stop people from thinking about consequences is to blind their minds to the real issues in Iraq. Is it right for people to be uninformed about what is really going on? Silicio did a most honorable thing and she deserves an award for her heroic act. Problems should not be swept under the carpet; everyone has a right to know.