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........................... Nov. 30 - Jan. 06, 2001
OTHER ISSUES .................... |
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| TIPS ON SUCCESSFUL DATING | |
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Step #1:
First you must spot the man who is the one for you. There are many places to meet men, such as appliance stores, bread factories, and public restrooms. Once you have zeroed in on the man you really want, present yourself to him and give him your phone number. Be sure to give him your number at work, too, and a number to call in case of an emergency.
Now that he is aware of your existence, go home and give it some time-say, 10 minutes. If for some reason he has not called yet, it is time to hunt him down.
Step #2:
If you weren't able to weasel his phone number out of him on your first meeting, here is one method of acquiring it which I myself have found to be quite effective.
Sleep in your car near the place where you met him. Chances are that he will return there someday, and you can follow him home.
Sleep in your car outside his house. In the morning, follow him to work. Wait there all day, then, when he leaves, march right into the place. Get his phone number by making his boss look it up in the file. Use his boss's phone to call him.
Step #3:
If he isn't home yet when you call, use this opportunity to bond with his roommate. As you get to know him by talking about yourself, keep an ear open for background noises that can give you more information about your man's world. If you hear a dog barking, remember that dogs present an excellent opportunity for you to show how much you love animals. When you ask the roommate the dog's name and he replies, "Angus", remark, "How coincidental! I am also named Angus!"
Step #4:
When calling (I highly recommend 4 calls per hour, up to 24 times a day), always remember to IMMEDIATELY ANNOUNCE YOURSELF BY NAME. This is crucial because you always want him to know it's you right off the bat. You don't want to drag any mystery into it.
My studies have shown that any of the following greetings work well for early morning wake-up calls:
"How's Angus?"
"Should I come right over?"
"Hi! It's me-Angus!"
"What did you do last night?"
"What are you doing tonight?"
"What are you doing right now?"
"I've rented Play Misty For Me. Come on over and we'll watch it
together!"
Evening calling is also highly recommended, although my studies have shown that the earlier in the day you call, the less of a chance he's had to make any plans. If he does have plans, ask for directions and say, "What can I bring?"
Step #5:
At this stage in your relationship, it is not entirely uncommon for your man to suggest that perhaps you should both see other people. This is just simple adolescent insecurity from which your man has not yet evolved. Humor his boyish fanaticism by holding secret candlelight vigils in your home as you listen to Tammy Wynette sing "Stand By Your Man" on the stereo.
When you're sick of doing this, hide in the bushes outside his front door and wait for his new date to arrive. Frequently, my research has indicated that, upon following your man and his date to their destination, they will invariably try to speed away once they realize it is you who is tailgating them. Do not be discouraged if you lose them; simply go back to his house and ask his roommate where they went. When he says he won't tell you, try getting Angus to bite him until he does.
When you finally hunt down your man and his companion, zoom in on them immediately, waltz over to their table, pull up a chair, and apologize for being late. Be sure to show you have manners by introducing yourself to his date. Then say things like, "What a great idea to come here!", "I've had sex with all these waiters!", and, "Are you going to eat all those French fries?"
When his date finally goes to call a cab, use this opportunity for quiet time alone with your man. If he refuses to be quiet, tell him to shut up.
Step #6:
It is now time to bring your roommate into the picture. If you don't have a roommate, just send for my pamphlet "Tips on Successful Roommate-Acquiring". It offers simple, step-by-step instructions on roommates, where to find them, how to acquire them, and ways to keep them from ever leaving.
It is recommended that your roommate of choice be a 300-pound weight lifter named Hoss. Show Hoss to your man. Say, "Hoss is overly protective of me and doesn't like to see me being hurt."
Step #7:
Try to trick him. Call him and tell him you are returning his call. When he insists that he did not call, hang up and drive over to his house. When you get there, use reverse psychology and say that you have to break up with him. Be on the verge of tears. Ask him to please, please not call you anymore!
When he assures you that he has never called you and never will, say, "You don't know what you're saying. It must be from that bump you got on your head." When he argues that he never bumped his head, take out a brick and bash him in the skull. This will give you an excellent opportunity to caretake him in front of his neighbors as he lies bleeding and unconscious on his front steps.
Step #8:
While he is in the hospital, steal his dog. This provides you with just the kind of lucky break you need. After he is released, you can console him in his time of grief when you accidentally bump into him as he searches for Angus. You can show your dedication by stating that you will not eat or sleep until Angus is found.
Later that night, call him up and say, "Guess who just showed up at my door? Angus! He doesn't want to leave, so you come and get him." This presents a wonderful opportunity for him to finally see where you live, and to show him the shrine you have built to him in your bedroom. While he's busy looking at the shrine, Hoss can board up all the doors and windows from the outside, and then steal his car just to be on the safe side. If he should still somehow manage to escape, proceed to steps 9 and 10.
Step #9:
Kidnap him at gunpoint in the middle of the night. Be dressed in Army fatigues. This will make it harder for the SWAT team to shoot you. When he wakes up and asks what in hell you are doing, tell him it's none of his damn business. Ask how come he's so interested all of a sudden in what you're doing when he NEVER WAS BEFORE??? Re-open the wound on his head from Step #5 by bashing it repeatedly with the butt of your gun.
When you are satisfied that he has been properly terrorized, put duct tape over his mouth so his yelling won't wake his roommate or Angus. This little gesture will go a long way in showing him how considerate you are of others.
Step #10:
After locking him securely in the trunk, drive to Las Vegas, Nevada. If he is still alive after the 2-day trip, pull him out, drug him heavily, then wheel him into an all-night wedding chapel strapped down tightly on a gurney. Tell the minister that he is in a coma and his last request was to marry you so that he can die a happy man.
Later, in the honeymoon suite, undo the gurney straps when you notice his hands are swollen to five times their normal size. When he comes to, sees your face, and begins to shout out loud, calm him down by showing him the marriage license. When he leaps up and dashes out of the room, go stand in the hotel corridor and watch him as he runs away. Call out, "Oh, I am really impressed, MISTER COMMITMENT!" Go back in the room and slam the door.
It is now time to play hard to get. Nothing attracts a man more than not being able to get the woman he wants. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about this particular dating method, so I'm afraid you're on your own from here. If you figure out how to do it, let me know and I'll include the information in my next simple, step-by-step instruction manual.
Good luck, and happy dating!
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| by Lisa Dike Schad | |
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