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Bullwinkle Morris Ebbtide Jackass Hi Dolphin wigglers! Since less than two percent of you probably read this, I'm going to be a lazy bastard and let you write this weeks rant. That's right kiddies! You get to zip up your Bullwinkle Morris suits and rage on like Tori Amos on cheap crank. This works like a Mad Lib. Turn out the lights. Climb under a blanket with several of your friends. Then, one person, call them the 'scribe', calls out the word in parentheses filling the spaces provided with the groups answers. When all the spaces are filled, read the completed rant out-loud and laugh until your chocolate milk comes up through your nose! Then, you can start laughing at that until something else happens! And so on. Okay, are you ready? Here we go! The _____(DOG BREED) have always _____(ADVERB) me out. Their soulless dead ____(SENSORY ORGAN) and distended _____(SYNONYMN 'SAME AS') are not human. Though, I would pay a crisp new dollar bill to see _____(70'S ACTOR) and _____(HIS SISTER) French kissing beneath a shower of fireworks under _____ (LANDMARK). Go ahead. Pretend to be grossed-out. You've thought the same thing. Next, _____(ISLAND) succeeded in buying-off the least interesting _____(CIVIC EVENT) in the history of _____(BEAUTY PAGENT) and have their malfeasance make front-page news. The hoopla preceding _____(CIVIC EVENT) was more interesting than the events themselves, I found myself thinking two things: One involved the Swedish women's downhill team and a bottle of Wesson oil. (INSERT MENTAL IMAGE HERE) The other was wishing the _____(CHILDHOOD BOARDGAME) would end so I could go back to ignoring figure skating for another two years. The _____(PET FOOD) was a good idea gone horribly wrong. Originally, a forum for independent filmmakers to present their wares, the _____('SIENFELD' EPISODE) has become an Aspen-lite showcase for the "E!" network. Fading celebrities and celebrity wannabes alike, sashay about in _____ (BRAND OF JEANS)and _____('FRIENDS' CAST MEMBER) winter gear and haughtily complain about the cold. If I have to see _____(FORMER TV EXEC) rave about some schlub being the next big thing one more time, I will have to sober-up enough to change ski resorts. But wait, there are more reasons to hate _____(TYPE OF CUTLERY) than the aforementioned. _____(YOGA CLASS) and _____(CITRUS FRUIT)-heads, Utah is full of them. Once mutually exclusive yet physically indistinguishable groups, _____(TROPICAL VACATION SPOT)'s poor economy and blind eye to contemporary mores has developed a hybrid. These scurrilous wretches slink from one corner of the _____(KITCHEN APPLIANCE) to another. Since _____(GERM)-heads are an affront to everything multiculturalism professes, I feel within my rights to say these Intolerant-Short-Sighted-Condesending-Hate-Mongering-Eurocentric-Extremist-Freakish-Biggots bent on perpetuating _____(SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE) deserve a stubbing-out like cigarette butts. And finally, the coup de grace: Jello. What the hell is the relationship between Utah and Jello? Each grocery store visited carried more varieties and a deeper stocking of Jello than the imagination could conceive. It was Jellopia! Fact is Utah sells more Jello than any other state in the union. Don't believe me? Call Jello and ask for yourself at 1 (800) 431-1001. (SORRY, I JUST THOUGHT THAT BIT WAS TOO CLEVER TO EDIT) However, in all honesty and because I'm a hypocritical jackass, the real reason I hate _____(SHORELINE NEWSPAPER) is _____(SARDONIC WRITER). Golly, that was fun, was it not? Tell you what. Next time let's do a connect-the-dots. Bullwinkle Morris can be reached for _____(SOMETHING VERY INAPPROPRIATE) and _____(BASE METALS) at grumpywinkle77@yahoo.com. © 2002 Shoreline Community College™ |