by David Banuelos
Copy Editor

Last Saturday, my hometown of Bainbridge Island Wash. practically emtied. There was no cataclysmic event, though many who had attended Bainbridge High School in the past swore the sky was about to cave in. The boys’ basketball team was ranked #1 in statewide polls, and about to play for its first state championship in nearly 60 years. An ocean of blue-and-gold-clad kids piled into Bank of America Arena in hopes of seeing history.

Many of the same students had been there—along with my fellow BHS-alum Micah and me—three nights earlier to watch our beloved Spartans trounce the North Thurston Rams in the first round of the state tournament.

During warmups, the Bainbridge faithful had been rightly admonished for chanting “dead men walking!” at the Rams. Even with my admittedly sordid sense of humor, I found it inappropriate.

I’d been recently informed of the statement from Mike Colbrese, director of the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association, who said something along the lines of, booing should be prohibited at WIAA events.

My initial reaction, like so many others, was to laugh hysterically.

For one thing, how can one hope to police large crowds in such a way? Logistically speaking, it seems impossible.

If 400 kids and parents start booing a bad call by an official, do you eject them all without refunds? I have a feeling that somewhere a lawyer is licking his chops over the potential lawsuits. Not only could this lead to emotional distress on the part of the fans, players, and parents, but I seem to remember a bill with 10 amendments that they taught me about in grade school.

I figured some horrible incident must have brought this on. Northwesterners can have this terrible hypersensitive streak (it’s the weather, I’m sure of it), and if some poor high school kid got booed to the point of tears, it’s natural that someone in the WIAA brass would react like this.

It’s possible Colbrese genuinely believes that he’s looking out for the players. Perhaps if my beloved Spartans had played for the title in a boo-free arena, they wouldn’t have put so much pressure on themselves. Sadly, they rushed their shots, fell behind early, and were crushed by an O’Dea team that they’d beaten three times during the season.

Gamesmanship, and a little trash-talk among fans is natural, but people are generally civil in crowds (though the rate drops significantly when alcohol is involved...or if you’re from Philadelphia).

Yet here we are, on the verge of being denied a fundamental sports fan’s right to voice his or her displeasure when events take a turn for the worse, through the time-honored method of booing. I think kids, fans, and parents ought to behave themselves at games too, but this is excessive, not to mention ridiculous.

But maybe there’s a bright side. Maybe Colbrese and the WIAA want to put the “scholastic” back in interscholastic athletics by forcing us to come up with new and inventive ways to jeer that which draws our ire.

With that in mind, here are a few ideas for post-boo ban life that will ease the need to voice mass displeasure at future games:

1) Bring back the “hiss."

I remember always seeing the word “hiss” next to “boo” in the talk bubbles of the Sunday comics as a kid. I’ve never actually heard a crowd hissing in real life, but the idea has to have some basis in reality, and should be revived immediately.

Imagine how much more menacing a crowd of irate fans would sound if they were hissing like a pack of angry cobras. Referees would be scared to death of making the wrong call, and players would hustle their butts off to avoid the dreaded sound.

I thought of suggesting high-pitched screaming, but it sounds too positive (à la Beatlemania), and we wouldn’t want to damage our children’s hearing now, would we?

2) Just shut up.

Few things are more powerful than silent protest.

If fans just pulled together and stayed silent, it would create an environment so unnerving that players wouldn’t talk trash, refs would quietly blow whistles and never speak, and media members would act as if they were in church.

Crowds could also select a white-board-wielding representative to write polite little phrases like, “Nice shot!” and more prickly sayings such as, “How could you blow that call?!” for all to see.

Sure it would be hard to stay mum, but we’re supposed to be instilling discipline here, right?

3) Synchronized cheers

I must admit to drawing my inspiration for this next idea from the great comedian Zach Galifianakis.

This one would give cheerleaders whole new routines to work up, as well as inspire audiences to think outside the box.

It wouldn’t be that hard for a group of high school kids to master the art of shouting—or even singing—their displeasure in unison. It would make a joke out of the whole situation so absurdly funny, that people would travel from all over just to hear Washington high school crowds.

Preliminary ideas include:

“Sir, I respectfully disagree with the judgment you’ve made, and wish you would reconsider!”
“That foul warrants an ejection!” and, “You’re hurting my team’s chances of winning, and that causes me considerable grief!”

A boo-less arena might be weird at first, but school sports without booing could be just the thing to stimulate our kids’ minds and instill valuable self-control.

Image Courtesy Ebbtide